tonight we cannot stop the party
ocean promenade beneath the waves
it's a dolphin marriage
and it's a lively affair, my friends
they chirp and laugh so loudly
your ears are ringing but it's okay
watch your miss, my friend
they'll slip between the two of you
and steal her from you forever
and she'll adore them and enjoy it
for they're better lovers than we could ever be
don't worry friend
such things happen
but the fun goes on in spite
she'll remember you i guess
as a faded friend, a lesser lover
a man who was no match
it's a long party under silver waves
long as your heart can beat
as long as dolphins keep on marrying
as long as we can sing in tune
and keep a smile on our faces
though we are all saddened
since the dolphins stole our girls
away from us forever
we are left with each other
which is all we ever had
the dolphins stole the best
but we've still got the rest
and in this we're blessed
*
This is an old poem. Like, I wrote this in 2005, old. But I remembered that I wrote it recently, and so I have decided to see if I can do anything at all with it. I don't really even remember what it was about, to tell the truth. I know it stood for 'something', but whatever that something was is lost even to me. Maybe it's about how sometimes things you don't understand happen, and things you held in high regard are taken from you, but things are all right in spite of it. I don't know. Maybe you all can help me try to make sense of it again. Cause, I still like it, and I would like to do something with it.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Conrad! I actually kind of like this. I agree with Kammie that your idea is pretty bland and overused, but you've managed to bring some imagery-for-the-soul to the table that made up for most of it. I love the dolphin thing! It may be because I have this dolphin puzzle (yet to be completed
) with all kinds of vivid food-for-thought to chew on, and it crossed over into this, meaning that the imagery I thought belonged to your poem was actually coming across because of that puzzle.
o.0 Yeah, that sounds a little crazy, but it's true. I don't know if you've managed to pull something great off or if I made it great in my mind. /insanity
On a side note, what the heck is up with the lack of punctuation/capitalization? I just read your short story about Death, and you didn't have any problems there, so why just drop it for this? You didn't even capitalize the "I". *shudders* As far as that, format, I would go back, separate this into a few more stanzas, capitalize your "I's" and the beginning words of every line with a big word. It will help.
-Knightley
Alrighty Conrad.
It seems like one of those "ohnoessadfacerelationship" poems. Except you had the decency to throw something more original in the mix.
Disregarding this is from 2005, I'm honestly not sure what your aim was with the dolphins, but I'm pretty you didn't really hit that. I kept reading to see where dolphins would come into play in this poem. They're just little characters you're moving in this poem instead of humans. So if they're basically personified dolphins losing their girl? Alright, then it doesn't make it much of a difference to the "ohnoessadfacerelationship" poems.
I guess you deserve a nod for being more original about this. So the concept of dolphins is okay, but it could use some tweaking. Because for a bit I was confused whether you were talking about dolphins or people.
As Kyllorac already pointed out:
Why the sudden rhyme/ almost rhyme? Keep it consistent.
it's a --- it's a
The reader stumbles over this, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Change that.
I suggest something like
it's a dolphin marriage,
a lively affair...
I'm also not a big fan of contractions in poems, it's not a big deal but your language is a little formal if you are going to use contractions.
I'm going to cut my review short as I have some work to do.
Best of luck,
Kamas
Usually a lack of punctuation and capitalization annoy me to no end in poetry, but I really didn't mind it with this one at all.
Some things that caught my eye:
In spite of what?
These three lines rhyme, which sounded very strange considering there's no rhyme in the rest of the poem.
The impression I got from this poem was that boyfriend-girlfriend relationships are easily broken and don't last long, while friendships are lasting and are ultimately stronger than romantic flings.
I really like how you tied the entire poem back to dolphins. It really kept the poem working as a whole, and I liked the imagery you used. It was a refreshing and unique metaphor/analogy for the subject (at least, in the way I interpreted it).
Overall, there's not much I really have to say except I enjoyed reading this. Aside from the lines I pointed out, I don't see anything that really needs improvement or fixing. Maybe play around a little with the line breaks?
/end unhelpful review